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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28743357">Saudade</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarbieDraws/pseuds/CarbieDraws'>CarbieDraws</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Basically a character study with lore headcanons, Enderman Hybrid Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Many Enderman headcanons, Memory Loss, Ranboo Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Hatred</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:54:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28743357</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarbieDraws/pseuds/CarbieDraws</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ranboo couldn't remember his childhood.</p><p>He tried. There were glimpses of memories he caught sometimes. Strong emotions, fleeting but powerful. The blurry image of someone he assumed was his mother. An enderman, like him. Her soft hands cupping his face, pressing a kiss to his temple.</p><p>Thinking about it brought up an indescribable emotion in him. A sense of longing for something he couldn't remember, and could never have again. Saudade, he believed the closest word was. It was bittersweet, and left a bad taste in his mouth.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF) &amp; Edward the Enderman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>647</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Saudade</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Ranboo couldn’t remember his childhood.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tried. There were glimpses of memories he caught sometimes. Strong emotions, fleeting but powerful. The blurry image of someone he assumed was his mother. An enderman, like him. Her soft hands cupping his face, pressing a kiss to his temple.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He could remember words spoken, but they sounded like gibberish. All he could discern was the tone behind them, the warbling sound of Enderspeak that emanated kindness, love, and care.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thinking about it brought up an indescribable emotion in him. A sense of longing for something he couldn’t remember, and could never have again. Saudade, he believed the closest word was. It was bittersweet, and left a bad taste in his mouth.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>However, there was one sentence he couldn’t forget, no matter how much he wanted to. It was crystal clear in his memory, untouched like it was so powerful it was etched into his mind.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>“You can never leave the End, Ranboo.”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>His mother’s voice was soft and sweet, dripping like honey, but the words carried a deadly promise with them. Even without context he knew the words were an admonishment to a rowdy child, one who wanted more than he could have.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And those words went unheeded, because Ranboo was just a child with no sense of just how final things could really be. Children always think there’s loopholes to everything, that nothing is completely off limits- and when you give them something proclaimed undo-able, they will undoubtedly try their hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He doesn’t know when or how, the memories just a blur of time, the colors swirling and smudging in his memory in an indiscernible mess until the moment he stepped through a portal.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Another crystal clear image.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ranboo, just a young child, stepping out of a portal and planting his feet on grass for the first time. His toes wiggling in the blades, taking in the feeling as a sense of pure joy echoed through him. He turned to look back at the portal, either to run back in and tell his mother of his discovery, or just see what was behind him in this new plane, but instead he was greeted by a dead portal.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The swirling black that was supposed to be there was snuffed out, vapors emitting into the air like some cosmic force had grasped the energy and smothered it until it was just smoke. All he could feel was a deep, pulling dread in the pit of his stomach.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The words of his mother ran through his head. There was a second part to the sentence he remembered his mother saying. <strong>“You’ll never be able to return.”</strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em>The weight of the world crumbled down around him, and for once in his life, little Ranboo felt small. Like a speck of dirt in a great cosmic universe, crushed underfoot.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>From there the memory cut off, becoming swirling vapors just like the portal.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>————</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo curled up further into his blanket. It was not doing the job it was suppose to, instead letting the cold seep through and cause shivers to run down his body.</p><p>Sleep was evading him in every sense of the word. Whether it was the cold weather, the thoughts that wouldn’t stop running through his mind, or just the unfamiliarity of his new place, his mind just could not rest. Instead, old images played back in his mind, whispers of his past.</p><p>He could see Technoblade’s house close by in his vision, taunting him with its cozy design and insulation, smoke rising from the chimney in a clear sign it was much warmer than out here, in Ranboo’s little shack that could barely be considered a house. So he wasn’t that great of a builder- what did it matter? At least he had a place to stay.</p><p>Still, after staring at the home for a little over an hour while watching his memories flicker through his mind like a bad slide show, Ranboo finally stood up from his bed, blanket still wrapped around him. The call of warmth was too much, and he just needed to get away for a little bit, even if he didn’t intend to sleep.</p><p>Thankfully the door was unlocked, and Ranboo was able to carefully sneak in without a sound, letting out a small sigh as he closed the door and found warmth. That silence was broken by a small <em>vroop</em> from behind him, causing him to whirl around suddenly.</p><p>His panic was cut off as he came face to face with Edward sitting in her boat.</p><p>“Oh, you scared me there, Edward,” he said with an awkward laugh. The enderman just stared at him, letting out another sound that could be categorized as a chuckle.</p><p>It struck him that despite being here for a few days, Ranboo had never actually had the opportunity to get into a conversation with her yet. And yes, despite the name Edward, Ranboo could instinctively tell the enderman in front of him was female. There weren’t any defining outward features that he could point out signaling it, it was more an intuitive knowledge that just seemed obvious. He chalked it up to an enderman thing.</p><p><strong>“Did I wake you up?”</strong> Ranboo asked in Enderspeak, the words rough around the edges as his knowledge of the language had grown rusty. It made him cringe, but it was inevitable with how little he had the chance to use it in conversation.</p><p><strong>“No,”</strong> Edward replied succinctly. <strong>“We don’t need sleep.”</strong></p><p><strong>“Oh…”</strong> Ranboo didn’t remember that being a thing. Sleeping had always been a thing for him, although maybe that was because he was only part enderman. He still had trouble discerning what was natural for him given his heritage, and what was just his weird biology. <strong>“Is it boring sitting in that boat all the time?”</strong></p><p>
  <strong>“No. I spend my time thinking back. I have lived a long time and have many things to ponder.”</strong>
</p><p>Ranboo’s gaze trailed down to the ground. He couldn’t push down a spark of envy he felt. Why was he the one cursed with a bad memory? Others got to play back their lives with ease, meanwhile he was stuck almost completely in the present. It just didn’t seem fair.</p><p><strong>“What bothers you, child?”</strong> Edward asked.</p><p>He thought back to the memories, to the picture of him coming through the portal, watching as it closed behind him with no way to come back. He tried to think back further, tried to grasp anything he could about the End, but there was nothing there. The details melted away into nothing, until he couldn’t even remember his old home.</p><p><strong>“Did you live in the End?”</strong> Ranboo looked back up at Edward, eyes focused on a spot just above her head.</p><p>
  <strong>“Once. Not anymore.”</strong>
</p><p><strong>“Can you also not return?”</strong> Ranboo looked down at the ground pensively. He knew the answer, but it was important to hear it.</p><p><strong>“No.”</strong> There was no remorse or longing in the word, just a simple answer.</p><p><strong>“Do you miss it?”</strong> Ranboo missed it. There was a yearning within him that called towards it, one he couldn’t explain. It was home, even if he couldn’t put the puzzle pieces together.</p><p>
  <strong>“Sometimes. However I have lived a long life, and spent much of it there.”</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>“…Can you tell me what it was like?”</strong>
</p><p>Edward paused, and spoke five words that shattered Ranboo’s world apart. <strong>“It is hard to remember.”</strong></p><p>He jolted up, the blanket that was curled around his shoulders falling to the floor.</p><p>“You also can’t remember?” His words were spoken in Common before he realized and switched back to Enderspeak, voice just as urgent. <strong>“What do you mean you can’t remember?”</strong></p><p>
  <strong>“Without a connection to the End, it becomes more and more like a dream every passing day.”</strong>
</p><p>It was like the world was falling from out under him.</p><p>He had never asked an enderman what they remembered of the End before, it just seemed like such a callous question since they all knew they could never go back! But… was Ranboo not alone? Did all endermen feel this way?</p><p>…Were all his troubles because he had left the End? Was this all his fault?</p><p><strong>“Child?”</strong> Edward warbled worriedly.</p><p><strong>“You mean… I’m like this because I’m not in the End? If I hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have to deal with my memory problems?”</strong> Tears sprung to his eyes, and he felt the urge to wrap his arms around himself.</p><p>Leaving the End… he’d always told himself he didn’t regret it. Even if he missed his home and his family, he told himself over and over that it was better this way, even if just to convince himself of it. He was meant to be in the SMP. But if it was the cause of all his problems- If it was the reason he couldn’t live a normal life…</p><p>A glimpse of a memory tickled at the back of his mind, emotions pulling him into it.</p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ranboo scampered around the town, teleporting his way away from the stall he had just grabbed an apple from. He settled in an alleyway, using the opportunity to munch down on the fruit, letting the juice dribble down his chin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>People were scared of him, he realized. They looked at him like he was a monster, like he was something indescribable- which, he kind of was. He didn’t even know how to describe himself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It made it hard to find anyone who would explain what exactly this world was like, and it resorted in him having to steal to survive. The days were cold, and the nights were colder. He didn’t know how long he’d been going on like this, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He never should have gone through that portal. If he could turn back time and just be in his mother’s arms again, he’d never ever disobey her again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He just wanted to be hugged by her one more time. He couldn’t even remember what he last said to her. Did he tell her he loved her? Did she know?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>…What did she look like?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The half finished apple dropped out of Ranboo’s hand, rolling down the alleyway. His hand came up to grip his head, breathing picking up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His memories were blurry. The image of his mother’s face was like smeared oil on a canvas, no defining features to be found.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew what his mom looked like! She was… She was…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why couldn’t he remember?! It was like something was eating away at his memories, and he was powerless to stop it, but he had to!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her eyes, they were green, right? Or were they purple?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No, no, no.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He had to remember her. He’d never be able to see her again, this was all he had of her! He’d never have another chance!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ranboo curled up into a ball, sobbing for hours as he tried to remember anything. Even her voice was fading from his mind, the words lost in a soup of half baked memories and static.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This memory too was lost to the void, and for once he was grateful.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo was shaking.</p><p>Oh gods, he had never even remembered finding out he couldn’t remember his mom. All this time he thought it was just a gradual realization.</p><p>This was all his fault. If he had never left he never would have had to deal with any of this. He could just be normal.</p><p>Tears dripped down onto the floor, slowly creating a puddle as they splashed on wood.</p><p>There was a sound of shuffling from beside him, and he turned his head just slightly to see Edward stand up from her boat, stretching her long legs. She slowly stepped out, sitting down next to Ranboo. Her arms reached out, slowly enveloping him in a hug.</p><p>He sunk into it involuntarily, his head resting on her chest. His sobs only increased. Hugs weren’t an enderman thing. They were a human thing. Edward was trying to comfort him in a way he could understand.</p><p>
  <strong>“You do not need to cry, Child.”</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>“But it’s my fault I left! If I never left I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this! I could be with my mom…”</strong>
</p><p>Edward let out a sad <em>vroop</em>. A hand reached up to cup Ranboo’s face, long fingers nearly reaching up to his hair.</p><p><strong>“It is true that leaving the End can mess with memories of the realm, however it is not to the degree you have spoken about. My memories of this realm are intact. But you are not fully of the Ender.”</strong> She reached a hand out, a finger poking against his chest. <strong>“I do not know what matter of beast you are half of, but you never belonged in the End. Only creatures fully of the Ender can stay there for long, and even then most eventually leave.”</strong></p><p>Ranboo curled in on himself, just wanting to be as small as possible. <strong>“So is it just because of my messed up biology that I’m like this? That I can’t just be normal?”</strong> His hands went up to his hair, grabbing onto chunks to pull. Deft fingers grabbed his hands, slowly untangling them and pulling them away from his black and white locks.</p><p>
  <strong>“Are you not listening, child? Nothing is your fault. You cannot blame yourself for heeding the call, just as you cannot control your heritage. You should be proud of who you are, not regretful of what you cannot be.”</strong>
</p><p>Ranboo tried to blink away the tears that were blurring his vision, creating a scene not unlike the ones he saw in his memories. <strong>“But what I can’t be is someone who remembers anything! I’ve forgotten so much! I can’t remember my family, I can’t remember who my friends are! I can’t even remember if I’m the one whose caused so many problems…”</strong></p><p><strong>“Be that as it may, it is out of your control.”</strong> Her hand reached up to his face, a finger wiping away the tears from his eyes. <strong>“What you can do now is enjoy what you have, and focus on the future, not the past. Take it from a creature that has lived a long, long time. What matters is where you go from here, not where you came from.”</strong></p><p>Her arms wrapped around him once again, the awkwardly long limbs curling around in what she probably hoped was a comforting gesture, and what it ultimately was. Ranboo tucked his head in tighter, listening to slow heartbeat of an enderman. One pulse every couple of seconds, easy to sync his breathing to.</p><p>
  <strong>“You may miss what you once had, but remember what you have now. Everything is temporary, child. It is okay to accept that.”</strong>
</p><p>A low hum came from Edward, a rumbling, warbling noise that struck a chord in Ranboo. Some… fragment of a memory he couldn’t quite recall, but he could remember-</p><p>It was an endermen lullaby.</p><p>All the tension seemed to leak out of him as he listened to the soft noises, reminded of… not memories, but feelings. Kindness, warmth, love. The feeling of being protected.</p><p>Tears still ran down his cheeks, but Ranboo felt safe enough that his mind eventually drifted off, letting sleep take him over as he sunk into Edward’s arms.</p><p> </p><p>———</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>“You’re perfect just the way you are, Ranboo. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>A kiss placed to the top of his head.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>“I may not always be able to be there for you, but know I love you, and I’ll never forget you. Even if you forget me.”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>“I’ll never forget you mama!”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>A sad expression, filled with regret.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>“I know baby. You’re so special, remember that, alright? Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Now it’s time to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning, Ranboo.”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>“Night mama!”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>The first chords of an enderman lullaby, sung out until the words were forgotten, drifting into meaningless noise in his head, but knowing they were filled with love.</em>
</p><p> </p>
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